I’m reading The Giver, and through the development of Jonas’ gift, I realized how sad it was the the others have no feelings or memories. Actually, at first, I was incredulous that they couldn’t see in color, which is when I stopped thinking of it as Brave New World and more like Pleasantville. After Jonas became so excited by experiencing the love of the family celebrating Christmas, and his joy in seeing in color all of the time now, it made me think of my poverty students and how much they miss out on. All they know is their shot-up ghetto neighborhood. (There was another unexplained shooting death there last week, the fourth in like two years. No leads. No justice. No peace.) They don’t know there’s a great big world out there – like Elsewhere - and they can be whatever they want.
But they can’t even imagine what it even looks like. I remember almost five years ago, we took a field trip to a local (small) art museum, out in one of the other (nicer) ‘burbs. We had to go through some nice areas to get there, but we were less than ten miles from our school. By the way they reacted, we may as well have driven all the way to Beverly Hills! They were amazed at the big yards, farm land, old barn houses, rolling hills… There little noses were pressed against the bus windows. They were in shock. I was dumbfounded, because I know how close to their homes we still were.
I think that’s part of why I became a teacher – to show kids what’s out there, to let them know they can do anything and be anything they can dream of. I’ve lost that, and I don’t know why. I’m letting this class get to me, and I feel so defeated. I emailed my principal that I’m tired of being angry and mean every day. It’s just not enjoyable. Those “a-ha” moments that teachers live for are few and far between up here in the fifth grade. There were a lot more when I taught second grade, or Spanish. You could actually see a kid learn something new, and they’d be so excited about it. Now it’s like I expect kids to do well, and yeah they do do well on quizzes and tests, but there’s no joy in teaching. Some people blame things resulting from NCLB, but for me it may just be working with the older kids. They don’t get excited about learning, and maybe that’s my teaching, but I love what I teach. Just this morning I realized I was so excited to write the lesson plans for our fractions unit because I love teaching fractions; I love to explain it and the kids are very successful. It’s gratifying. (Watch out, I better not jinx myself, again!) I realize teaching is for the kids, and it’s not about me. BUT, I’m not getting anything out of it, and I’m burnt out.
I need to get that feeling back, to rediscover my purpose, and soon!
I was there myself a few weeks ago. Not to mention a few years ago (when we worked together).
A few weeks ago, it took my husband snapping me out of it—–he said, “You have lost the goals you set at the beginning of the year.” He was right. I had gotten lost in the vacuum of the teachers lounge and paranoia that exists at every school (why?)…and found myself angry and disgruntled with almost everything. The kids became more difficult to work with when I became more difficult.
So, I put on my tunnel vision- and took out my earphones. I block out all the negative gossip with music at break times…..and focus on teaching. During class I go in with a plan and deviate little from it—even though the kids try, or other teachers try…..
It feels simple now. I have a job to do and I do it. I try not to let all the other distractions pull me from my original, virginal just-out-of-college goals.
Maybe all you need is a little idealism to distract YOU from so much reality?